In time

I spent this past weekend playing music with some of my best friends. We we’re leading worship music at a retreat for around 300 people, and I was playing a drum box called the Cajon. Someone asked me that weekend if I was able to worship while I was playing.

I thought about it. Generally the answer is no. Generally the answer is I’m too concerned about doing something wrong. Generally I’m too worried about being off beat, or I’m so worried I am off beat that I lose focus on why we’re playing the songs in the first place.

And then I thought about it again. I thought about that question “Are you able to worship while you play?” The more I thought about that the more I realized in fact I was able to worship, but the worship looked different.

You see there are a hundred reasons I can think of why I wouldn’t want to be in front of people doing anything much less trying to keep rhythm for 300 people. There’s a reality to rhythm you’re either on beat or off beat. It’s cut and dry. It’s black and white, and people can tell. That clear-cut reality always worries me.

What if I mess up? What if everyone hears me mess up? What if people think I can’t do it? Or worse yet what if they’re right? Maybe I’m not good enough to do it? Maybe my failure to do it well will be a distraction?

Maybe I just shouldn’t do it. That last one carries a heavy load with it when it hits you. Maybe I just shouldn’t do it.

I realized those thoughts, those insecurities about failing, about people seeing me fail, about people thinking I’m a failure are thoughts that too often control us. They are thoughts that too often cause us to withdraw.

I decided in that moment worship was saying no to all of those questions.

But the more that I’ve thought about this idea the more I’ve realized a lot of life is like playing music in front of people. A lot of life dares people to not even try.

To simply quit before you look like a fool, before people realize you may not be the smartest, the most articulate, the best looking, or whatever it is you fear not being. These thoughts prey on people. They prey on people’s insecurity by slowly feeding their doubts until their doubts swallow anything their potential could muster in opposition.

All of these questions are empowered by insecurity. A fear that if we suck people will deem us not worth their time. It’s that fear that gives these thoughts power.

But life. True life.

Life that lives unafraid of those questions is a life fully realized. You see it’s clear to me the questions don’t stop. You get better at responding to them, better at realizing what they’re trying to do, but they never disappear.

So I realized that weekend, as I beat on a drum that my rhythm might at times not be right but what was truly wrong was to be so afraid of doing it, to be so afraid of failing once that I never took a chance to do it all. That I never fully entered the life that was meant for me.

C.S. Lewis sums this up in the Screwtape Letters, a book written from the point of view of the devil to a demon. In that book, the devil tells a demon to remember:

“There is nothng like suspense and anxiety for barricading a human’s mind against the Enemy (God). He (God) wants men to be concerned with what they do; our business is to keep them thinking about what will happen to them.”

What will happen if they do. There is an interesting aspect to our fear and anxiety. If we fear failure or suffer from paralyzing anxiety from that fear, we’re diminishing the Lord’s goodness and faithfulness.

We’re saying Lord I know you are good. I know you are all powerful. I know you work things for your glory, but this fear, this fear of attempting to do something, and the corresponding rejection that might come if I tried and failed well it’s just too much. 

True worship is doing in reliance on Him.

I remember an interview with Adele shortly after she became a huge success. Adele suffers from huge stage fright but her answers to these questions seem to be getting at more than simple stage fright.

Adele: But it has gotten worse as I’m becoming more successful. My nerves. Just there’s a bit more pressure and people are expecting a lot from me. 

Anderson Cooper: So what’s that fear?

Adele: That I’m not going to deliver. I’m not going to deliver. That I’m not going to—people aren’t going to enjoy it. They’re—they’re going to—that I’ll ruin their love for my songs by doing them live. I feel sick. I get a bit panicky. 

AC: Have you ever thrown up?

Adele: Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. A few times.

These questions, these questions of failure tempt us. 

They tempt us into thinking our existence is so insignificant that it’s ok to simply live a life in constant aversion to potential failure.

That is a lie.

Your life is so significant that you must not be fearful to realize what you can do. 

Your life is so significant that you must not allow anxiety to slow you. 

The questions won’t stop; they are inherent to our nature, pre-programed into our existence, but true life occurs at the intersection of those questions and our actions. 

You must press onward.

Then there's a moment.

I was talking with a friend today about life, about faith and about the existential crises and the moments they create. The conversation centered around depravity. Weird topic to talk about…I know.

de·prav·i·ty: a very evil quality or way of behaving

But the idea was this. Our depravity is constant. It is our nature. We cannot overcome it. We grow in faith and in wisdom, but we are at our core creatures of depravity.

There’s a moment when people come face to face with the consistency of their depravity.Then there’s another moment where someone they held in high esteem showcases a level of depravity you didn’t think they had. They disappoint you.

There’s another moment when the frustration of the consistency of your depravity slowly sinks in to your mind. Old habits die hard. And with the constant face to face meeting with your failure to do better comes frustration.

After frustration, there’s a sense of despair. You can’t fix yourself. You can’t escape your nature.There’s a moment when in that frustration and disappointment you begin to doubt. You doubt yourself, you doubt those around you. You become cynical, cynical to the motivations of others, to the actions of others.

There’s that moment when the consistency of your nature draws you away.

But there’s a greater moment.

There’s a greater moment when you realize that in the same moment the consistency of your depravity truly settles into your conscious that grace is there.

There’s a moment where you begin to see the consistency of the Creator’s grace. There is a level of empathy a creator possess that is simply unmatched.

A creator knows the story of every blemish, knows the hope of every moment even while also knowing the consistency of your depravity. 

It’s like a painter.

A painter can find fault in his work but he cannot find that fault without also summoning the story of the painting. He recounts it from start to finish how every brush stroke occurred and when He thinks on a blemish he thinks on it with understanding.The blemish empowers his understanding and his empathy.

He owns it. He owns its faults. Its potential. Its goodness. It is His. 

It is that way with our depravity.  We are owned despite our depravity. Ransomed from the consistency of our depravity by the grace of our Creator.

Our depravity is consistent and yet it fuels grace in our lives.

It fuels the consistency of grace.

We are ever depraved and at the same time ever receiving grace.

I imagine it like a fire. Our depravity the logs and grace the fire burning our mistakes with ease and purpose. At times we look and see a forest of wood and think for some reason the fire incapable of conquering it, but the fire is fueled by our depravity ever equal to the task.

image

There’s a moment where your depravity reminds you of the power of grace. It is not grace for a singular mistake but rather grace for every moment. Grace for your nature. Grace for your forest of depravity. 

Then there’s a moment when you come face to face with your depravity and your failures and then you are drawn in because in that moment you grasp hold of grace in such a powerful way that you are changed.

Not because your depravity is less. No.

Because the depth of your own depravity

Causes you realize the depth of grace.

Top 10 Stories of 2014

These are in no particular order of importance.

1. The Revolution in Ukraine and then the Russian response in the Crimean Peninsula. That set in motion the current sanctions we see today crippling the Russian economy. 

2. Malaysian Airlines was struck by two awful events. The missing flight from Kuala Lampor that we still haven’t found.  And then later another Malaysian airlines flight was shot down by Russian supporters in Crimea see first story of 2014. Finally, just this week an Air Asia flight was lost in the Java sea. 

3. Michael Brown, Eric Garner and many other deaths highlighted the tension between the police and the people. This really brought what has been called the militarization of the police into the main stream conscious. 

4. Ebola came to America and America survived. Other countries have been ravaged by the disease in West Africa for them the fight continues. 

5. ISIS. After fighting two wars in the Middle East, the U.S. began bombing ISIS after it had made gains in Iraq and Syria. ISIS is in large part a result from a power vacuum created by the long and horrifying Syrian Civil War. 

6. Immigration and the power of the presidential pen. There has been no movement on a uniform immigration policy. As a result, President Obama has acted with executive power to provide help to some immigrants in the United States illegally. 

7. 2014 was marked with the passing of Robin Williams, Maya Angelou, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, These larger than life characters truly lived up to the meaning of that phrase. Here’s one of my favorite scenes with Phillip Seymour Hoffman and Robin Williams. It’s so good.

8. Top 10 songs by searches for lyrics in 2014, Say Something, Anaconda, Fancy, Happy, Blank Space, Royals, Dark Horse, Bang Bang, Counting Stars, Wrecking Ball. 

9. Sports and Sports. 2014 saw another World Cup and with it the incredible last minute victories and defeats. Here’s a video of Ian Darke’s calls for all of the U.S. goals. I love seeing John Brook’s celebration after the goal; he simply lies on the ground overwhelmed with the weight of the moment. While his celebration is awesome so are these. 

10. 2014 was also marked with the rise of hackers. Hacking has always existed but with the Fapping and then the later attack of Sony; we have seen hacking shift public policy and achieve mainstream attention.

Here’s the year in pictures. I always love to look back through pictures because those capture the stories so much better than any list could. 

Where we're walking

In the past six weeks, America has dealt with Ferguson, Eric Garner, and then the murder of two NYPD cops in New York. These events have grabbed the news and refused to fade away. Ferguson is complicated. Eric Garner’s story is unexplainable and the tragedy of the attempt at vigilante justice this week in New York simply horrific. The events have generated incredible scenes. Looting, dramatic protests, viral campaigns and even violence as we’ve seen this week.

There have been several viral phrases, “Black lives matter” “I can’t breathe” “Hands up don’t shoot” have been the most popular. I think the way people talk about things is important and indicative of how they are relating to the situation.

All of these phrases are centered around something so simple yet so complicated. When people say, “Black lives matter,” what they’re saying is that life matters. When people say, “I can’t breathe,” what they’re saying is that people should be able to breathe because people matter. When people say, “Hands up don’t shoot,” what they’re saying is that life shouldn’t be taken.

I don’t know what happened in Ferguson. We will never be able to get inside the mind of the cop that strangled Eric Garner or the cop that shot a black man in St. Louis, or the cop that shot a boy in Cleveland, but here’s what I do know.

I do know that life matters.

I know that cop’s lives matter and I know that black lives matter. When we see large protests, when we see people driven to extreme behaviors, we explicitly see that this belief that lives matter and are treated as such has eroded away.

What America needs is to foster a sense in people that society believes they matter. People don’t burn down buildings without feeling some level of disconnect. People don’t block highways without feeling like they have a legitimate grievance. Where does this leave us?

When white people view protestors and simply categorize them as whatever stereotype they prefer, well that perpetuates the problem. It perpetuates the belief that people don’t matter because if they mattered I wouldn’t simply categorize them and then walk away. When people say “No Justice No Peace,” “Hands Up Don’t Shoot,” or “Black Lives matter,” our response needs to center around creating a society where people do not feel ostracized or marginalized.

How do we foster a society that helps ensure that people feel like they’re important, and they’re included? It’s an issue not easily solved. There’s not magical solution or a ten-step plan, but it begins with people treating people differently.

What’s the number one way to tell someone they have inherent value?

It’s to go see them.

It’s to take your feet and place them where they are.

Maybe we can’t do that? I can’t go to Ferguson. I can’t go to New York. I can’t be black American.

Here’s what I can do.

I can change the way I interact with people. I can change the way I think about events.

I can mentally step back and change the way I respond and ask myself “How did we get to the point where someone legitimately feels like they need to loot a store or burn a building down?”

Going where people are tells them that they are important.

They’re worth your time, and there is an inherent equality about standing with someone.

So we should stand with our minds and move towards others with our thoughts, placing understanding above a winning argument or worthless platitude.

So take your mind and put it there. Put it in the situation where you feel like there’s nothing left but for you to scream, to yell, to burn something to the ground in a way that cries out, “I’m here and I’m worthwhile why don’t you see that.”

People feel that way. Walk your mind into their shadow and look at the world. Life occurs when we begin that walk.

When we get up and leave our security, and through empathy begin to see the world through a different lens, we begin to understand people and promote a sense that their life matters. There is a certain humility that is required when people walk from their comfort and begin to think through the world from a different place. That choice to begin to walk towards someone, to walk towards their scenario, to walk towards their difficulty and their problems, is the choice a broken world demands. 

It is the long walk, but it’s worth it.